The Nightmare Before Christmas

Last Sunday Darth Janet flew in from U.K.,
To visit her daughter for a short holiday.
She was due to land here at just afer nine,
Sarah left 8.40 so she'd be there on time.
But when Sarah arrived at the airport that night,
She suddenly realized she'd forgotten the flight.
She quickly phoned Steve and got him to check,
He told her the number - it wasn't there yet!
But what she didn't know, it had taken off late,
And she now had just over one hour to wait.
Not much cash had she taken for parking the car,
Steve told her, "Circle the Airport every half hour.
At last Darth arrived, down the stairs she alighted,
Wearing a lovely new sweater , she was looking delighted.
It had big shiny buttons and embroidered flowers,
She must have been hot on that aircraft for hours.
What do you think Sarah, our Helen did rave,
"It's O.K." replied Sarah, "for someone your age."
Back to the car Sarah Janet then led,
By the time they got home Steve and kids were in bed.

Next morning up early, Darth Janet did fuss,
With the kids getting ready to catch the School Bus.
The kids were excited to have such a guest,
Katie flaunted her earrings, Darth wasn't impressed.
Alex imparted he had a new orange belt,
For Karate, an achievement proudly he felt.
Now Amy is Amy and a creature of habit,
Her great joy in life - she just loves to rabbit!

The kids now at school and Sarah is working,
In the kitchen Darth Janet is secretly lurking.
Arranging the cupboards, she's up a step ladder,
Me thinks this will make Sarah even more madder.
With Sarah upstairs on a conference call,
Talking to someone,somewhere in Nepal,
And Steve us not likely to reappear soon,
Darth has retreated back up to her room.
With no-one to talk to that's where she will stay,
'Till the kids arrive home for their 'crap of the day.'
Now you may be wondering what's the meaning of this,
Well, 'crap of the day' is the kid's daily gift!
From yard sales and junk shops she collects all of these,
Could be buttons or coins or even old keys.
Once Alex received a toy mouse - the best yet,
Until he discovered it was meant for a pet!

After dinner the kids wait to see what they get,
Alex's ecstatic when he sees Bobba Fett.
He jumps up and down and starts running around,
What Darth didn't know, it is worth 30 pounds.
But Amy's not happy, she's pulling a face,
Why did she only get a tacky necklace.
Katie's indifferent and takes it all in her stride,
But Alex has gone over to the 'Dark Side'.

Now Thursday's Thanksgiving, when families all gather,
I think this has thrown Darth into a lather.
Sarah is cooking and to help Darth is itching,
But Sarah has told her, "keep out of the kitchen."
Darth won't give in, the kitchen's her goal,
"I don't think the potatoes will fit in that bowl,"
"Shall I check on the turkey", Sarah's getting annoyed,
She opens the wine, she thinks she's Keith Floyd.
Upstairs Sarah retreats, where Steve is in hiding,
Her problems with Darth she now is confiding.
'Fight back', now says Steve, "and don't be a pansy",
"Get back down those stairs, be like Gordon Ramsay".

Luchtime arrives, it's almost 2 o'clock,
When on their front door Rex and I we do knock.
Steve opens the door, I see Darth in the corner,
With the heat from the kitchen it feels like a sauna.
I took off my boots and my bag I unpacked,
When I noticed Darth Janet was dressed all in black!
"Hello, nice to see you" Darth did then chime,
Not really she didn't - I just thought it rhymed.
Sarah's transporting the food to the table,
She was doing it quickly whilst she was still able.
If Darth was involved there'd have been one more rift,
But she was more stressed that I'd bought the kids gifts.
Cheap toys and some candy in a cute little tin,
That's all it was but it caused Steve to grin.
All week Darth was asking - now I didn't know,
"Will Alison bring gifts?" - our Sarah said No!

The table's now set and Rex he is starving,
He turns round to Steve and says, "who is carving".
"You can" says Steve, for the knife we must wait,
When Darth waddles over with it there on a plate.
Rex took the knife, she didn't want to let go,
She wanted to carve - well he didn't know.
Now Darth and our Steve I was placed in between,
Darth piled her plate high, Steve ate nothing green.
The dinner was lovely, 'twas perfectly baked,
But the kids want dessert, which was two types ofcake.

With dinner now finished, we retired to the lounge,
Where shall I sit, I looked all around.
On the big couch sat Rex with Steve and the kids,
And in a small single chair our Sarah had slid.
Only one seat was left, I tried not to laugh,
It was on the small couch, right next to Darth.
She chatted away, about what, no-one knows,
Then she said to Sarah, "Can we go to Kohls".
She wanted a sweater like she bought there last year,
It is lovely and warm and it's made of cashmere.
"I'll take you tomorrow", Sarah went on to say,
"It will have to be early 'cause it's Black Friday.

Later that night to the kids Steve did say,
"Now, what was the best thing that happened today?"
The kids said in unison, "It was Nana's gift",
I do hope that this didn't cause one more rift!!

When I went round next day to collect the days shipping,
Out of the door our Katie came skipping.
With shoes and coat on, she said in my ear,
"I'm coming with you, 'cause Granny's not here".
"Mummy took her real early, before we got up".
Steve then appeared drinking tea from a cup.
"Granny wants some new clothes so that she will look smart,
They're going to Kohls and then to Walmart".
"You know what Nana", Katie went on to say,
"Granny changes her clothes at least six times a day".

Now the story at Walmart - I know you will smile,
When Darth parked her cart, blocking the aisle.
The aisle it was wide with a display in the middle,
With pans on one side and on the other some griddles.
What Sarah saw next threw her into despair,
As a woman approached in an electric wheelchair.
She tried to manoeuvre between pallet and cart,
And as Rex will inform you, to this there's an art.
What then happened, it could have been a disaster,
With the chair back and forth going faster and faster.
The pans and the griddles were all over the place,
As Darth flapped her hands with panic on face.
"I hit the wrong buttons" the woman did claim,
But Darth is the one you really would blame.
If she hadn't parked where she did in Walmart,
She wouldn't have been pinned by the wall by her cart.
The pans and the griddles wouldn't be on the floor,
And Sarah by now, would have been out the door.

On Sunday, Rex thought it a lovely idea,
To cook a nice dinner and invite them round here.
"I'll put the Christmas Tree up", that seems like a winner,
"Which the kids can then decorate whilst you cook the dinner.
Sarah wanted to come but was a bit paranoid,
About the Duplex that had a "For Lease" sign outside.
On the way to our house, she knew this they'd pass,
"Don't worry" said Steve, "I'll drive extra fast".
I told them to get here between 4 and 4.30,
Katie's under instructions not to get her dress dirty.
Darth was insisting that she wore a bib,
Leave her alone, she's seven - poor kid.
New headbands were bought for both of the girls,
Amy's was pink, so she'd discarded hers.
They arrived at 4.30, they were right on time,
Rex was already tasting the wine.
The kids were excited when they saw the tree,
"Can we put the balls on", they all shouted with glee.
"Where shall we hang them", said Amy - she paused,
Darth she was hovering trying to pass them the balls.
"Don't put them there, that doesn't look right",
Then Rex told the kids, "put them where you like".
Darth's not in control, her face it got redder,
Her stress level increased when Rex got the ladder.
When the ladder appeared, Katie's up like a shot,
"I'm the oldest" she said, "I'll do the top".
To help do the tree I could see Darth was itching,
So I then retreated right back to the kitchen.
To see to the dinner, I was not being rude,
When the kids then appeared, all asking for food.

The dinners now ready, the table is set,
"Come on" I called, "to the table please get".
With Steve next to Sarah and Rex next to Darth,
That's not what he planned, I tried not to laugh.
We started to eat and drink our red wine,
When Darth said to Rex, "Where did I put mine".
"You left it on table, over there by the tree".
By then me and Sarah'd already drank three.
Darth glanced at Katie, Oh, she was stressed,
Katie had spilt ice cream down her dress.
Darth's trapped in the corner, she cannot get out,
"Don't worry" said Rex, "It'll come out with Shout".
That didn't help, I could see our Darth frown,
As Rex got a cloth and sponged the dress down.
We continued out meal, when at Sarah, Darth looked.
"This meal it is lovely, it's a shame you can't cook".
"Simon was always better at cooking than you",
Sarah looks hurt, "I know mom, it's true".
I think Sarah is looking for the quiet life,
But co-existing with Darth is a life full of strife.
She sits with her drink an tries to keep cool,
But Darth keeps on chipping with comments so cruel.

The main meal now finished - dessert was not hot,
Pumpkin Pie or Profiteroles with chocolate on top.
"OOh, choux pastry" said Darth, Sarah glanced over at her!
"I'm diabetic" said Darth, "but they've got no sugar".
Maybe not in the pastry but what of the chocolate!
Me thinks that has sugar - Oh yes, quite a lot!!
The meal it was over, the kids had been fed,
"Twas a school day on Monday, can't be late for bed.
Around 8 o'clock they set off for home.
About cooking, our Darth's like a dog with a bone.
"I should have sent you for lessons when you were eight,
You'll never cook Sarah, for you it's too late".
By this time our Sarah had nearly enough,
She stormed off to bed, leaving Darth in a huff.

On Wednesday Darth though it would be a nice treat,
for Sarah and Steve to go out somewhere to eat.
"You and Steve both go out for a meal and some wine,
I'll watch the kids, we'll all be fine.
She made them dinner, cheetos and ham,
Nobody liked it - they would have preferred spam.
In protest the children, they started to join,
When under their bread they found a gold chocolate coin.
"Can we have egg nog" Katie then asked,
Darth went to the kitchen to find them a glass.
She poured them some egg nog, about half an inch,
"These glasses are dirty", Katie did flinch.
"Mommy, she fills our glass to the top".
Just wait 'till you hear how much ice cream they got!
The ice cream was served, the size of a teaspoon,
They hoped Mom and Dad would both come home soon.

Not much time left 'til Darth home she does go,
Steve is in hiding, he's lying low.
Katie is starting now to rebel,
Whilst Alex is completely under Darth's spell.
Amy is out there - where nobody knows,
And Sarah's stress level, daily it grows.

The last day is here, Darth is alone,
Sarah's at work and Steve's not at home.
The kitchen is empty, it's hers for the taking,
And I don't think that Darth is thinking of baking.
It's the pantry that first has caught our Darth's eye,
The food it is out - now she's stacking it high.
Out of reach from the children, that's what's in her mind,
But for Sarah, her food she never will find.

To next clean the hob, she now does intend,
In the cabinet she finds some 'Bartenders Friend'.
Now Bartenders Friend is for rust and limescale,
She's about to find out it removes paint as well!
The hob was once black, but now it is not,
It's covered all over with big silver spots.

Now on to the cabinets with magnetic child locks,
(Don't touch them Darth - Steve has a glock!)
But cleaning the cabinets is next on her list,
When she sees a loose lock, she just can't resist.
She tapes up the switch into the 'locked' setting,
Now into the cabinet there's no way of getting.
Darth's now in a panic and a little afraid,
When Sarah comes homes there will be a tirade.

Later that evening, Sarah tries to retrieve,
Some things from the cabinet - that's when she calls Steve.
"I can't open the cabinet, it appears it's jammed shut",
Steve takes a look and says, "It's taped up!"
Darth's keeping quiet and out of the frame,
She hasn't told Sarah that she is to blame.
Steve's disappeared but he hasn't gone far,
He's back and he's carrying a huge yellow crowbar.
To prise the door open - he must break the lock,
Either that or remove the whole countertop.
Not really an option 'cause it's made of granite,
This is all down to meddling Darth Janet.

The kids are now ready to go to their beds,
"I'm leaving tomorrow, to go home" Darth then said.
"My flight it takes off just after 8,
So I will have left before you awake".
"Come here Amy", she said, "Give Granny a hug",
But Amy walked off, giving Granny a shrug.
Alex was next, of course the boy cried,
He was the one who went to the 'Dark Side'.
Katie wasn't bothered if she stayed or she went,
Tomorrow it was her State Tournament.

Early next morning, Sarah's ready to go,
When Steve says to her, "In Chicago there's snow".
Chicago was where she was to change flights,
"Don't tell her" said Sarah, "Keep quiet, all right,
I don't really care if she stays there all night".

At last Darth has gone, but be of good cheer,
She vows to return sometime next year.