The Nightmare Before Christmas

Last Sunday Darth Janet flew in from U.K.,
To visit her daughter for a short holiday.
She was due to land here at just afer nine,
Sarah left 8.40 so she'd be there on time.
But when Sarah arrived at the airport that night,
She suddenly realized she'd forgotten the flight.
She quickly phoned Steve and got him to check,
He told her the number - it wasn't there yet!
But what she didn't know, it had taken off late,
And she now had just over one hour to wait.
Not much cash had she taken for parking the car,
Steve told her, "Circle the Airport every half hour.
At last Darth arrived, down the stairs she alighted,
Wearing a lovely new sweater , she was looking delighted.
It had big shiny buttons and embroidered flowers,
She must have been hot on that aircraft for hours.
What do you think Sarah, our Helen did rave,
"It's O.K." replied Sarah, "for someone your age."
Back to the car Sarah Janet then led,
By the time they got home Steve and kids were in bed.

Next morning up early, Darth Janet did fuss,
With the kids getting ready to catch the School Bus.
The kids were excited to have such a guest,
Katie flaunted her earrings, Darth wasn't impressed.
Alex imparted he had a new orange belt,
For Karate, an achievement proudly he felt.
Now Amy is Amy and a creature of habit,
Her great joy in life - she just loves to rabbit!

The kids now at school and Sarah is working,
In the kitchen Darth Janet is secretly lurking.
Arranging the cupboards, she's up a step ladder,
Me thinks this will make Sarah even more madder.
With Sarah upstairs on a conference call,
Talking to someone,somewhere in Nepal,
And Steve us not likely to reappear soon,
Darth has retreated back up to her room.
With no-one to talk to that's where she will stay,
'Till the kids arrive home for their 'crap of the day.'
Now you may be wondering what's the meaning of this,
Well, 'crap of the day' is the kid's daily gift!
From yard sales and junk shops she collects all of these,
Could be buttons or coins or even old keys.
Once Alex received a toy mouse - the best yet,
Until he discovered it was meant for a pet!

After dinner the kids wait to see what they get,
Alex's ecstatic when he sees Bobba Fett.
He jumps up and down and starts running around,
What Darth didn't know, it is worth 30 pounds.
But Amy's not happy, she's pulling a face,
Why did she only get a tacky necklace.
Katie's indifferent and takes it all in her stride,
But Alex has gone over to the 'Dark Side'.

Now Thursday's Thanksgiving, when families all gather,
I think this has thrown Darth into a lather.
Sarah is cooking and to help Darth is itching,
But Sarah has told her, "keep out of the kitchen."
Darth won't give in, the kitchen's her goal,
"I don't think the potatoes will fit in that bowl,"
"Shall I check on the turkey", Sarah's getting annoyed,
She opens the wine, she thinks she's Keith Floyd.
Upstairs Sarah retreats, where Steve is in hiding,
Her problems with Darth she now is confiding.
'Fight back', now says Steve, "and don't be a pansy",
"Get back down those stairs, be like Gordon Ramsay".

Luchtime arrives, it's almost 2 o'clock,
When on their front door Rex and I we do knock.
Steve opens the door, I see Darth in the corner,
With the heat from the kitchen it feels like a sauna.
I took off my boots and my bag I unpacked,
When I noticed Darth Janet was dressed all in black!
"Hello, nice to see you" Darth did then chime,
Not really she didn't - I just thought it rhymed.
Sarah's transporting the food to the table,
She was doing it quickly whilst she was still able.
If Darth was involved there'd have been one more rift,
But she was more stressed that I'd bought the kids gifts.
Cheap toys and some candy in a cute little tin,
That's all it was but it caused Steve to grin.
All week Darth was asking - now I didn't know,
"Will Alison bring gifts?" - our Sarah said No!

The table's now set and Rex he is starving,
He turns round to Steve and says, "who is carving".
"You can" says Steve, for the knife we must wait,
When Darth waddles over with it there on a plate.
Rex took the knife, she didn't want to let go,
She wanted to carve - well he didn't know.
Now Darth and our Steve I was placed in between,
Darth piled her plate high, Steve ate nothing green.
The dinner was lovely, 'twas perfectly baked,
But the kids want dessert, which was two types ofcake.

With dinner now finished, we retired to the lounge,
Where shall I sit, I looked all around.
On the big couch sat Rex with Steve and the kids,
And in a small single chair our Sarah had slid.
Only one seat was left, I tried not to laugh,
It was on the small couch, right next to Darth.
She chatted away, about what, no-one knows,
Then she said to Sarah, "Can we go to Kohls".
She wanted a sweater like she bought there last year,
It is lovely and warm and it's made of cashmere.
"I'll take you tomorrow", Sarah went on to say,
"It will have to be early 'cause it's Black Friday.

Later that night to the kids Steve did say,
"Now, what was the best thing that happened today?"
The kids said in unison, "It was Nana's gift",
I do hope that this didn't cause one more rift!!

When I went round next day to collect the days shipping,
Out of the door our Katie came skipping.
With shoes and coat on, she said in my ear,
"I'm coming with you, 'cause Granny's not here".
"Mummy took her real early, before we got up".
Steve then appeared drinking tea from a cup.
"Granny wants some new clothes so that she will look smart,
They're going to Kohls and then to Walmart".
"You know what Nana", Katie went on to say,
"Granny changes her clothes at least six times a day".

Now the story at Walmart - I know you will smile,
When Darth parked her cart, blocking the aisle.
The aisle it was wide with a display in the middle,
With pans on one side and on the other some griddles.
What Sarah saw next threw her into despair,
As a woman approached in an electric wheelchair.
She tried to manoeuvre between pallet and cart,
And as Rex will inform you, to this there's an art.
What then happened, it could have been a disaster,
With the chair back and forth going faster and faster.
The pans and the griddles were all over the place,
As Darth flapped her hands with panic on face.
"I hit the wrong buttons" the woman did claim,
But Darth is the one you really would blame.
If she hadn't parked where she did in Walmart,
She wouldn't have been pinned by the wall by her cart.
The pans and the griddles wouldn't be on the floor,
And Sarah by now, would have been out the door.

On Sunday, Rex thought it a lovely idea,
To cook a nice dinner and invite them round here.
"I'll put the Christmas Tree up", that seems like a winner,
"Which the kids can then decorate whilst you cook the dinner.
Sarah wanted to come but was a bit paranoid,
About the Duplex that had a "For Lease" sign outside.
On the way to our house, she knew this they'd pass,
"Don't worry" said Steve, "I'll drive extra fast".
I told them to get here between 4 and 4.30,
Katie's under instructions not to get her dress dirty.
Darth was insisting that she wore a bib,
Leave her alone, she's seven - poor kid.
New headbands were bought for both of the girls,
Amy's was pink, so she'd discarded hers.
They arrived at 4.30, they were right on time,
Rex was already tasting the wine.
The kids were excited when they saw the tree,
"Can we put the balls on", they all shouted with glee.
"Where shall we hang them", said Amy - she paused,
Darth she was hovering trying to pass them the balls.
"Don't put them there, that doesn't look right",
Then Rex told the kids, "put them where you like".
Darth's not in control, her face it got redder,
Her stress level increased when Rex got the ladder.
When the ladder appeared, Katie's up like a shot,
"I'm the oldest" she said, "I'll do the top".
To help do the tree I could see Darth was itching,
So I then retreated right back to the kitchen.
To see to the dinner, I was not being rude,
When the kids then appeared, all asking for food.

The dinners now ready, the table is set,
"Come on" I called, "to the table please get".
With Steve next to Sarah and Rex next to Darth,
That's not what he planned, I tried not to laugh.
We started to eat and drink our red wine,
When Darth said to Rex, "Where did I put mine".
"You left it on table, over there by the tree".
By then me and Sarah'd already drank three.
Darth glanced at Katie, Oh, she was stressed,
Katie had spilt ice cream down her dress.
Darth's trapped in the corner, she cannot get out,
"Don't worry" said Rex, "It'll come out with Shout".
That didn't help, I could see our Darth frown,
As Rex got a cloth and sponged the dress down.
We continued out meal, when at Sarah, Darth looked.
"This meal it is lovely, it's a shame you can't cook".
"Simon was always better at cooking than you",
Sarah looks hurt, "I know mom, it's true".
I think Sarah is looking for the quiet life,
But co-existing with Darth is a life full of strife.
She sits with her drink an tries to keep cool,
But Darth keeps on chipping with comments so cruel.

The main meal now finished - dessert was not hot,
Pumpkin Pie or Profiteroles with chocolate on top.
"OOh, choux pastry" said Darth, Sarah glanced over at her!
"I'm diabetic" said Darth, "but they've got no sugar".
Maybe not in the pastry but what of the chocolate!
Me thinks that has sugar - Oh yes, quite a lot!!
The meal it was over, the kids had been fed,
"Twas a school day on Monday, can't be late for bed.
Around 8 o'clock they set off for home.
About cooking, our Darth's like a dog with a bone.
"I should have sent you for lessons when you were eight,
You'll never cook Sarah, for you it's too late".
By this time our Sarah had nearly enough,
She stormed off to bed, leaving Darth in a huff.

On Wednesday Darth though it would be a nice treat,
for Sarah and Steve to go out somewhere to eat.
"You and Steve both go out for a meal and some wine,
I'll watch the kids, we'll all be fine.
She made them dinner, cheetos and ham,
Nobody liked it - they would have preferred spam.
In protest the children, they started to join,
When under their bread they found a gold chocolate coin.
"Can we have egg nog" Katie then asked,
Darth went to the kitchen to find them a glass.
She poured them some egg nog, about half an inch,
"These glasses are dirty", Katie did flinch.
"Mommy, she fills our glass to the top".
Just wait 'till you hear how much ice cream they got!
The ice cream was served, the size of a teaspoon,
They hoped Mom and Dad would both come home soon.

Not much time left 'til Darth home she does go,
Steve is in hiding, he's lying low.
Katie is starting now to rebel,
Whilst Alex is completely under Darth's spell.
Amy is out there - where nobody knows,
And Sarah's stress level, daily it grows.

The last day is here, Darth is alone,
Sarah's at work and Steve's not at home.
The kitchen is empty, it's hers for the taking,
And I don't think that Darth is thinking of baking.
It's the pantry that first has caught our Darth's eye,
The food it is out - now she's stacking it high.
Out of reach from the children, that's what's in her mind,
But for Sarah, her food she never will find.

To next clean the hob, she now does intend,
In the cabinet she finds some 'Bartenders Friend'.
Now Bartenders Friend is for rust and limescale,
She's about to find out it removes paint as well!
The hob was once black, but now it is not,
It's covered all over with big silver spots.

Now on to the cabinets with magnetic child locks,
(Don't touch them Darth - Steve has a glock!)
But cleaning the cabinets is next on her list,
When she sees a loose lock, she just can't resist.
She tapes up the switch into the 'locked' setting,
Now into the cabinet there's no way of getting.
Darth's now in a panic and a little afraid,
When Sarah comes homes there will be a tirade.

Later that evening, Sarah tries to retrieve,
Some things from the cabinet - that's when she calls Steve.
"I can't open the cabinet, it appears it's jammed shut",
Steve takes a look and says, "It's taped up!"
Darth's keeping quiet and out of the frame,
She hasn't told Sarah that she is to blame.
Steve's disappeared but he hasn't gone far,
He's back and he's carrying a huge yellow crowbar.
To prise the door open - he must break the lock,
Either that or remove the whole countertop.
Not really an option 'cause it's made of granite,
This is all down to meddling Darth Janet.

The kids are now ready to go to their beds,
"I'm leaving tomorrow, to go home" Darth then said.
"My flight it takes off just after 8,
So I will have left before you awake".
"Come here Amy", she said, "Give Granny a hug",
But Amy walked off, giving Granny a shrug.
Alex was next, of course the boy cried,
He was the one who went to the 'Dark Side'.
Katie wasn't bothered if she stayed or she went,
Tomorrow it was her State Tournament.

Early next morning, Sarah's ready to go,
When Steve says to her, "In Chicago there's snow".
Chicago was where she was to change flights,
"Don't tell her" said Sarah, "Keep quiet, all right,
I don't really care if she stays there all night".

At last Darth has gone, but be of good cheer,
She vows to return sometime next year.

Katie’s Christmas Party

I departed the house at just after Ten,
To pick up our Janet, aka WWN,
A few minutes later at Steve’s house I arrived,
Where I spotted Janet halfway down the drive.

She opened the door and climbed in the car,
We’re off to the school, it’s not very far.
It’s Katie’s school party, all relatives invited,
Sarah couldn’t go, so it’s ‘Grannies United’.

‘This is a nice car’, she started to talk,
‘Our Edward, he’s one and he nearly can walk’.
She went on to tell me about Helen’s Mum,
Who has Edward weekly but she has him none!
‘I have him some evenings’ she said as she sighed,
‘But I like it that way, ‘cause then I’m not tied’.

The Car Park was full, I did a quick lap,
But there wasn’t a space, not even a gap!
‘Over there’ she said eagerly (a red line on the road),
I thought – I don’t think so, I don’t want to get towed!

Some space at the end of the road I then saw,
‘I’ll drop you off here Janet, wait for me by the door’.

We entered the building, ‘I’ve been here before’,
Chirped Janet excitedly, ‘I went in the Hall’.
‘To watch Katie’s circus, ‘twas a really good show’.
I was there too Janet – didn’t you know!

We’re going to the Office, just follow the rest,
To get ‘visitors passes’ stuck on our chest.
‘Where is Ms. Chapman’, I asked so polite,
‘Up the stairs, past ‘the house’, then turn to the right.

We entered the classroom, the kids were all sat,
I spotted Katie in a red Santa Hat.
‘Can you see our Katie’, said WWN,
‘Yes, there she is, down there on the end’.

They were watching a movie so the room was quite dim,
Katie was waving and had a big grin.
Her teacher then spied up and over she ran,
‘You must be ‘The Grannies’, she said, shaking hands.


Back to their tables the kids were then sent,
To make Gingerbread Houses was the intent.
Graham Crackers were used to make the four walls,
‘Shall I break them for you’ Janet then calls.
‘No’ replies Katie – I thought quite aloof,
Whilst spreading white icing on her gingerbread roof.

Now came the tree, made out of a cone,
She wanted some sprinkles to do on her own.
Janet had scooped up a handful of these,
‘You take them from me to put on your tree’.
Katie said nothing, just looked with distain,
I know what’s she’s thinking – Granny’s being a pain!

I then had an idea, which I thought was great,
‘Katie, put all the sprinkles down there on the plate,
Then roll the tree in them, that would be good’.
Katie just smiled and said ‘Yes it would’.

Katie grabbed Granny’s hand – she showed her no fear,
Janet had to agree, it was a good idea.

With camera in hand, then appeared Heather,
‘Come on now, all smile and gather together’.
Katie leaned toward me, all pretty in blue.
In my ear she did whisper – ‘Can I come with you’.

Katie must have been hungry ‘cause she’d eaten her house.
And now had those sprinkles all round her mouth.
It was stressful for Granny – I could see that,
As she kept asking Katie, ‘Where is the tap’.
‘Over there’, replied Katie, ‘Why don’t you just go’,
This isn’t the Katie I’ve come to know!

Granny’s now trying to straighten Katie’s red hat,
When Heather ‘The Candle’ calls them all to the mat.
‘It’s gift time’, she says from her rocking chair,
All open together, I want to play fair.
‘You’ve all got an ornament to put on your tree,
It’s a picture of you that was taken with me’.

‘Oh, what a nice gift’, Janet said with a grin.
If Steve gets his way, It’ll be in the bin!!

‘And now’, says ‘The Candle’, ‘What you’ve all waited for’.
To the kids that were sitting cross legged on the floor.
‘I’m gonna open my presents, now won’t that be fun,
‘Oh no’ spluttered Janet, ‘Sarah didn’t send one’.
Not everyone did, I said, ‘It will be fine.
I wanna go home and open some wine.

One by one gifts were opened – ‘Oh look at this’,
As she held up a frog (go on, give it a kiss).
Gift vouchers and ornaments and a big ornate cross,
With the kid’s name who gave it, on it was embossed.
A long crochet scarf was the gift of the day.
‘Oh look’ she was gushing, ‘I’ll take this to L.A.

The gifts were all opened, I glanced at the clock,
When a woman came over in a naff flowered frock.
‘Do you want your house to give you your Mommy”,
‘Too late’, we both said – it was in Katie’s tummy.

At last we can leave, Heather gives us a hug.
‘Don’t forget all you children, to sign Parker’s mug’.
We go down the stairs to sign Katie out,
‘Don’t run ahead’, I can hear Janet shout.
We had quite a walk to get back to the car,
Where I was parked was really quite far!

Janet is now right on Katie’s tail,
And I can clearly hear as she starts to wail.
‘Katie, come here, put your hand in mine’.
Katie’s retort – ‘Oh, OK, Fine!!
‘Watch out now Katie, mind all that sand’.
Then Katie breaks free and grabs hold my hand.

I’m parked next to a hedge, the gap is slim,
So I have to reverse to let them both in.
Katie then climbs nimbly into the back,
Whilst Janet is clutching her blue rucksack.
‘Take you bag for me Katie’ Granny implores,
‘Just put it there’ she says, ‘Down on the floor’.
‘There won’t be room for it when I move back’.
‘Yes there will’ says our Katie, fixing her strap.
‘Katie you’re wrong’ Granny did bleat.
‘Then put it there’ she said, ‘On that spare seat’.
I then turned around to sort it all out,
I thought that I should, before War broke out.

We’re off and running, we’re at the lights.
When I notice Janet, sitting bolt upright.
‘There’s a lever down there to adjust the back of your seat,
It’s somewhere on the right, down there by your feet.
I think that she found it, she’s now out of sight.
And Katie is squealing with utter delight.

I glance to my side and there all in black,
I see Janet is lying flat out on her back.
‘Come on now Granny, get up’, Katie begs.
‘You’re head’s in my lap and you’re squashing my legs’.
With Katie’s help she is back, wow, that is handy,
‘Granny’ says Katie, ‘Where is my Candy’.

‘I’m saving it Katie, for when we get in’.
‘But I want it now, to share with the twins!’
Reluctantly Granny then handed it back,
Now Katie is happy with it in her lap.

Janet then rambled on about Alton Brown,
‘I’m reading a book Sarah’s got back at home.
‘He’s a Chef on TV if I recall,
Last time I was here, he was down at The Mall.

At last we’re back home, it’s 11.33,
I dropped them both off and head home for tea.
‘Hello’ says Rex, ‘Did it all go alright’.
‘Oh yes, I’ve seen Katie in a completely new light!!!

Day 10

It's finally here, Jenny's last day,
Rex is up shouting, Hip Hip Hooray.
"Let's get her packed and out of the door",
I haven't told him, her flight's not 'til four.

"How long before take off does she have to book in?"
"Only 2 hours", I said, trying hard not to grin.
"We'll get her there early, we'll be leaving soon",
"Oh, don't be silly, we can't leave here 'til noon".

Now Jenny's all packed, her bags are all ready,
"Could you take them Rex - be careful, they're heavy",
Rex struggles downstairs - "Are you sure you can manage",
"I don't want you doing some permanent damage".

With nothing to do and five hours to waste,
Jen has retired to her usual place.
Out on the deck with her coffee and phone,
"I need to call Roger before I get home".

She's out in the sun, drinking coffee and smoking,
Still coughing and spluttering, it sounds like she's choking.
Around 10 o' clock she goes up the stairs,
"I'm off to the bathroom to straighten my hair".

Rex goes outside and he's counting her fags,
"She's smoked 20 already, I'm gonna tell Dad".
"I'll be glad when she's gone and for what it's worth,
I don't think she's my sister, there was a mix up at birth".

One hour later our Jen reappeared,
Her straight hair was tucked behind her ears.
"I'm ready", she said, "Bet you can't wait to be rid",
Rex then just shrugged - his feelings weren't hid!

Whilst she was upstairs, I'd prepared lunch for us all,
It's now 11.30 and we're passing The Mall.
On the way to the Airport, Rex travels so fast,
His sister beside him going home at long last.

We arrived at the Terminal, Rex jumped from the car,
Got her bags from the trunk and said, "There you are".
Jen looked at Rex strangely, I knew what was wrong,
"I can't carry those Rex, I'm not very strong".

"You don't need to be strong Jen, your case has got wheels",
He placed the small one on top, then he turned on his heels.
For a wonderful holiday she then thanked me once more,
Check-Ins 10 yards Jen, when you get through that door.
I waved her goodbye as Rex sped away,
"She'll never come back - no bloody way".

Epilogue

Just four days before our Jenny's flight,
Houston was hit by hurricane Ike.
George Bush Airport was to be her first stop,
Where she planned to buy fags at the Duty free Shop.

But when she got to the Airport, Duty Free it was closed,
Now this for poor Jenny, a problem did pose.
She waved down a worker on a cart carrying bags,
"I need Duty Free, I must get my fags".

"I know where there's another", the worker then cried,
"Hop on my cart, I'll take you for a ride".
He stopped at the shop and said he would wait,
But as she got to the checkout she was told, "You're too late".

"There's not enough time to get the goods to your flight",
But Jenny kicked up until they said, "Oh alright".
As Jenny climbed back on the cart that did wait,
Some poor assistant had to run to the Gate.

She's now in the air and some fruit juice was brought her,
"I want coffee" she said, but was told, "There's no water".
"No water for washing or drinks on this flight,
Everything was knocked out by hurricane Ike".

She finally arrived at London Heathrow,
Where Roger was waiting to welcome her home.
Now I'm at the end of this short epilogue,
Visitor's beware - you could be next on my blog!

Day 9

Today it is Jenny's last full day,
Rex cannot wait 'til she goes away.
She is starting to pack for tomorrows long flight,
Her case full of ribbons and Marlborough Lights.

"I can't get it all in and I'm over the weight,
I need a new case - have I left it too late?"
"I just want a small one so I don't squash my fags",
We'll go up to Target, "I'm sure they sell bags".

Now Rex has decided to take us both out,
To Windy Point - "Are you ready", he shouts.
Down to the lake we'll go take a look,
We'll take a walk whilst she reads her book.

Forty minutes later we arrive at the Lake,
Out of the car Jenny jumps - "Oh this is great".
I say to Rex, "It's too windy today,
We can't sit her here, she'll get blown away".

We walk round the lake admiring the view,
"Stand over there Rex, I want a picture of you".
Her camera is out and she's snapping like mad,
"I've got to take pictures to show to our Dad".

We've been there half an hour - she now needs a fag,
She's frantically searching for them in her bag.
She's trying to light up - she's behind a tree,
But the wind is too strong, so she goes for a pee.

So her bladder now empty, she's not had a fag,
We head off to 'Target' in search of a bag.
In Target, Rex says, "I'm gonna look round",
"I'll meet you later when a bag you have found".

"Look at this bag Alison, what do you think,
It's small but it's roomy and a nice shade of pink".
"It's my favorite color, I've even got a pink watch",
She says, "Now I'm looking for labels to match".

With her pink bag and labels, she's just like a kid,
We pass the toy section and she spys the game 'Crib'
"I'm going to get that for Rex", I then heard her say,
"When he was a young man, he liked Crib to play.

Six hours later, it's almost tea time,
We're all getting ready for 'The County Line'.
This restaurant is famous for bar-b-que,
And when we arrive there is a long queue.

Five minutes later we're at the front of the line,
Rex says, "A table with view would be fine".
The people behind us are then booked ahead,
They got the view - "How rude" then Jen said.

We're placed at a table that's noisy and dark,
I knew from that moment it was a bad start.
The waitress arrived - "Do you want some bread?"
"I'd rather have a table with view", Rex then said.

"The're no tables left, you'll have to stay here",
The waitress then said, "Do you want a beer".
I could tell from the mood that Rex was now pissed,
"If you want to leave, we'll follow", Jen hissed.

We decided to stay, we thought we would risk it,
As Jen placed her order, she went for the brisket.
Rex ordered sausage and the side of the day,
Green Beans - "They're all gone" the waitress did say.

Just by looking at Rex, I can see he's not happy,
I ordered Ribs, I hope it comes snappy.
I know Rex is fuming, his face has gone red,
And we are still waiting for that bloody bread!

As I'm sitting there wondering if this meal we'll survive,
Our food - at long last - did finally arrive.
Rex has six sausages and the size of my ribs!!!
We've got enough food for Steve, Sarah and kids.

Now I know this is food that they eat in the South,
As these ribs I am trying to get in my mouth.
"We'll share out the food", Rex then he said,
Then lo and behold, here comes the bread.

Eating these ribs was sheer delight,
With Jenny saying, "It's not ladylike".
"Stop whinging Jen, get and eat it", said he,
He secretly had his camera ready.

The waitress passed by - Rex asked for more beer,
Alas, she was never to return here I fear.
Our meal we had finished, we ate all we could take,
Whilst fat people around us scoffed chocolate fudge cake.

Rex calls the waitress and asks for the Bill,
"Who's gonna pay?" - Rex says he will.
Now let's sum it up - we all liked the food,
But the service was poor and the waitress was rude.
We asked for a view but were sat in the dark,
I know Rex and Jenny this really did nark.

Rex wanted beans but got okra instead,
And I won't even mention the tale of the bread.
When Rex asked for beer - he never got that,
He left her no tip and we'll never come back.

He left cash on the table right next to the ribs,
As Jenny was saying, "Let's go home and play Crib".
Back home, a quick game of this we did play,
Tomorrow our Jen will by flying away.

Day 8

Well here we are, now at day eight,
Only two more to go, Rex he can't wait.
She's still up and down all through the night,
And Rex and our Jen still they do fight.

Rex want's to stay home - today it is football,
So I say to him, "I'll take Jen to the Mall".
She's been wanting to go to 'Michaels' all week,
To the Galleria we'll go, when I've had something to eat.

Out in the garden for Jen I do look,
And there she is with her fag and a book.
"Go and get ready", to Jen I do say,
"We're going shopping, out of his way".

As we walk into 'Michaels', she looks round in awe,
"Oh" she then says, "This is my kind of store".
Was it the excitement or coffee consumed,
But she then said to me, "Where is the Restroom".

Ten minutes later she returned with a smile,
As she walked very slowly down the first aisle.
Decorations and cards Jen likes to make,
And decorataive flowere to put onto cakes.

She's picking up paints for her iced flowers,
"Oh", she is saying, "I could stay here for hours".
"I can't believe everything here is so cheap",
I'm following behind her like a lost sheep.

One hour later we've done half the store,
And she's off and she's running towards the loo door.
She's now looking at pictures and pieces of art,
"Jenny", I said, "I'm gonna get you a cart".

Her cart she is loading - a smile on her face,
"I can't get too much or I'll need a new case".
We now reach a section saying 'All Items One Dollar",
"Quick, over here Alison", she's starting to holler.

There are Calenders, Journals, Souvenirs of the States,
"Presents", she saying, "For all my workmates".
Journals she bought and small boxes with lids,
"That's my Christmas sorted for under ten quid".

To the 'Clearance' section I then went,
When I spotted some dolls for just 60 cents.
They were 'cut out dolls' that you stick on clothes,
There was a 'Katie' and an 'Allie' - I had to get those.

"Are those for Katie - look at that one in blue,
It's called Jennifer - bet she'd like that one too".
As into my hand doll 'Jennifer' she thrust,
"OK" said I, "If I really must".
(When Jen had gone home and Katie came round,
I gave her these dolls that in Michaels I found.
With 'Katie' and 'Allie' she played with all day,
"Give Jennifer to Amy", Katie threw it away).

"Oh, I so love this Store", Jenny then said,
Look at the colors of embroidery thread.
Sandie would love it if she came to stay,
But unfortunately she says, "it's such a long way".
"Tell her to come, the journeys not bad,
I did it alone and I really am glad".
I don't think her brother is glad she is here,
I don't think he want's her back here next year!

Her shopping at 'Michaels' is finally done,
Hooray, I am thinking - time to go home.
When she spots 'World Market', another good Store,
"Let's go in here" and she heads for the door.

'World Market' sells things from places afar,
I sometimes go there for a chocolate bar.
They have signs up that say "50% Sale",
"Look Alison, jewelery, handbags as well".

A green velvet handbag - "I must have this,
The perfect gift for Nathan's Candice".
She then buys some earrings with stones that are blue,
But just before leaving - yes, she wants the loo.

Walking back to the car, she's starting to lag,
When I look around - she's sneaking a fag.
We travel back home with her bags on her lap,
A coffee, a smoke, then it's off for her nap.

That evening at dinner between courses she smokes,
Now as you know, Rex is a reasonable bloke!!!
But he's not very happy - "She's pissing me off",
As we hear her return with her hacking cough.

Just two more days, "Please just keep mute"
"I'm back", says Jen, "Let's play Trivial Pursuit".
"I'm good at this game - I am 'The Person'"
What she doesn't know - it's the American version.

With her coffee beside her, she says with a grin,
"I play this a lot and I always win".
We're into the game, she's won just one disc,
"They're American questions, I don't know this!"

Rex has two discs and I have got four,
I'f I'm gonna win, I just need two more.
We continue to play, Jen still has one,
But I've got two more - wow, this is fun.

She couldn't answer the questions, she says it's not fair,
Rex has been drinking so he doesn't care.
"Let's pack up the game, thats it", then Rex said,
"Wash up your cup Jen, we're all off to bed".

Day 7

Five in the morning, Rex is having a shower,
I've been awake about half an hour.
Jen's on the balcony enjoying the view,
Between 7 and 9 the Assessor is due.

About 8am I got a call on my Cell,
I didn't pick up so it went to voicemail.
It was Steve, the Assessor, he'd just called to say,
"I'm now in your area, just 10 minutes away".

Rex came upstairs, "Where's Jen", he then said,
"I don't know, she has probably gone back to bed".
He bangs on her door, "Get dressed Jen", he shouts,
"I don't want her half naked with strangers about".

Jen came out of the bedroom - "What was that all about",
"Does he think I'll be out there with my boobs hanging out!"
She heads off to the bathroom to have her shower,
That's the last time we'll see her for the next hour.

The Assessor has done, he was here quite a while,
"Book the car for repair", he says with a smile.
"It's now 10 o' clock, where do you want to go?"
"I'm right out of fags, can we go to Costco,
And I'd like a check shirt", Jen goes on to say,
Everyone's wearing them back in the UK.

As we walk into Costco, Jen has to look twice,
There are shelves stacked with ribbons, "Just look at the price!"
"My use of ribbons it is quite extensive,
Back home in England they are so expensive".

She's gathering ribbons with a smile on her face,
"I hope I've got room for them all in my case".
With a cart full of ribbons, her shopping is done,
Except for her fags - Rex goes and gets some.

The next stop is Target to look for a shirt,
"I don't want to pay much, it's only for work".
They did have some shirts, but nothing to suit,
So she bought us a present, 'Trivial Pursuit'.

We'll go out for dinner, Rex thought he'd give me a break,
"Let's try the 'Iguana' down by the Lake.
As we went to get ready, Jen came through the door,
Carrying three colorful Kaftans that reached to the floor.

"I thought they'd be great", she said "Oh but there not",
"The weather I fear, has just been too hot".
Thank God for that, I breathed a sigh of relief,
With Demis Rousos I just wouldn't eat!

The Iguana is Tex/Mex, not my favorite food,
So I chose an appetizer so as not to be rude.
Jen ordered the same, she didn't want a big meal,
As the waitress our glasses, with coke she did fill.

The meal it arrived - I'm never sure what I'll get,
But I have to say, it was the worst yet.
There were bits of dry chicken, some sauce just like oil,
And three tortillas wrapped up in tin foil.
Jen thought it was a really great meal,
She was so impressed that she paid the bill.

"Go over there", said Rex, he points to the right,
"We'll watch the sunset, it's a beautiful sight".
Jen sat on a bench, she was having a smoke,
Rex and I sat there with her, watching some boats.

The sun's going down but before it all goes,
Jenny jumps up and is adopting the pose.
"I want you take a picture of this,
To put in a frame for Roger's office".

We go back to the truck, set off on our way,
"Tomorrow", Jen says, "I'd like a rest day".
"I'll sit on the deck and get me some sun".
Three more days left to go and her trip will be done.

Day 6

It's a 90 minute drive to San Antonio,
Guess where we're going - The Alamo!
Rex is loading water into a cool bag,
And Jen's on the deck having a fag.

I'm in the Office, the shipping all done,
Rex is now yelling, "It's time we were gone".
"Just give me five Rex", was Jen's reply,
"I haven't had time to make up my eyes".
"well hurry up then, you were up before seven,
I want to be there, at the latest eleven".

It was just after 9, at last we are off,
and Jen's under threat that she's not to cough.
I hear Rex saying, "Jen get in the back".
"But I get travel sick, I can't do that".
I'm in the middle - let me take the wheel,
I'll put 'em both in the back, then they'll be ill.

We're on I35, a fast Motorway,
We've done 45 minutes so we're about half the way.
Jen's looking around, lots of new things to see,
when all of a sudden she says to me,
"Are we stopping for coffee" - I felt the mood worsen,
When Rex answered back, "You've asked the wrong person".
"I've got the wheel and the brakes and I'm driving,
I'll stop when San Antonio we arrive in.

"If you want a drink there's water or tea",
"But if I drink all that, I'll just want to pee".
"If that's the case Jen", Rex went on to say,
"Get your waterworks seen to when back in UK".

Jen kept quite quiet as onwards he sped,
"We're almost there, look for signs", then he said.
We went off at the exit marked 'The Alamo'
To the right, then the left - in the car park we go.

From the car park there's approximately a 5 minute walk,
Jen and I lagged behind having a talk.
Rex strode ahead in his usual way,
"Does he always do that", Jen then had to say.
"I just wouldn't have it - I'd get so upset".
I'm guessing she's got Roger trained like a pet!

A few minutes later we arrived at the scene,
By this time our Rex was nowhere to be seen.
A Guide with a megaphone stood by the door,
He was waiting for people to join the next tour.

Jen wanted to know what it was he was saying,
And then I saw Rex, he was calling and waving.
"Hurry up now you two", he called out to us,
"Oh, for God's sake", Jen said, "What's all the rush".

"Rex, I wanted to read what it says on those signs".
"You can look at those later - you're lagging behind".
To the Alamo Shrine, there wasn't a queue,
He wanted us in before she needed the loo.
Jenny was flustered, "I don't know what the fuss is",
"Anytime now", Rex says, "There's gonna be 10 school busses.

We shuffle inside the Alamo Shrine,
Everyone is respectful in an orderly line.
It's cool and it's quiet except for Jen's cough,
A look all around and then we are off.

Back out of the building and into the gounds,
Rex wants to take photos as there's no-one around.
"In front of the door you two - what do you reckon"?
Jen's adopting the pose of Victoria Beckham.

"I could do with a smoke", Jen said, looking quite hot,
"If you light up round here", Rex said, "You're likely get shot".
As well as the smoke, Jen of course needs a pee,
Then she sneaks in a fag behind an oak tree.

Now after all this, it's back to the signs,
With the History of Texas set in a time line.
But lacking in caffine, she's now in a mood,
She's now on the hunt for coffee and food.

"Let's go on the Riverwalk, a local attraction"'
Says I, trying to get in on the action.
"There's a tram, get a picture", she says loudly talking,
"Don't cross the road there Jen, you'll be done for jaywalking".

The Riverwalk is what you'd expect it to be,
But when she sees water, she again wants to pee.
The walk it is lined with Restaurants and Inns,
With girls in short skirts trying to entice people in.

A few yards down the walk Jen spies a seat,
"You go ahead", she said "And find somewhere to eat".
What we didn't notice was the tub full of sand,
Jen did, she already had a fag in her hand.

Along the river we walked, we didn't go far,
When we came across and Italian Bar.
Rex said, "This looks like a nice little venue",
"Let's take a look at what's on the menu".

They had sandwiches - good, we want something light,
"Go back and get Jenny, we're go in for a bite".

We sat at a table overlooking the river,
Whilst over the menu Jenny did dither.
We all chose a sandwich on toasted bread,
"I don't want mine toasted", to the waiter, Jen said.
"We can serve you plain bread but it won't be so good,
Please try it toasted", Jen said she would.

Whilst waiting for food and drinking our cokes,
We watched going by, Gondalier style boats.
"Rex, take me a picture for me to show Dad,
My camera's not working and now I am sad".

The food it arrived, a 'loaf' served with fries,
Not only that - garlic bread on the side.
"I need some more drink", and just as she spoke,
The waiter arrived with a refil of coke.
We ate what we could - one meal would have served three,
And after a gallon of coke, we all wanted a pee.

It's time to go now, back to the car,
Rex had to get back before the rush hour.
We climbed up the steps, back to the road,
And followed behind Rex, as off he strode.

The trip back to Austin wasn't eventful at all,
We sped through San Marcus and the Outlet Mall.
"We're not stopping here Jen, 'cause you don't like shopping",
Too bad if she did, Rex wasn't stopping.

Back home in Austin, we stopped at Ben White,
(A boulevard) - because there was a red light.
As the light turned to geen, alarms bells rang,
As Rex started to move, there was a big bang.
It made us all jump, as you know it would,
When a barrier came down straight onto the hood.

On the train track there appeared to be a malfunction,
We couldn't pull over - we were at a junction.
Rex was upset - needless to say,
Jen and I just kept quiet for the rest of the way.

At home in the drive Rex looked at the damage,
Jen went upstairs - Rex she couldn't manage.
"I thought he'd start swearing and start carrying on",
Said she to me later, "Thought it best I was gone".
Rex isn't like that, he'd be so offended,
As long an no-one is hurt, a car can be mended.

We're now at the end of a near perfect day,
With a $500 deductible to pay.
So open the wine, lets drown our sorrows,
The Insurance Assessor is coming tomorrow.